...a thought that is much too long to post on facebook

ever watch "let's make a deal"?  it was one of those gameshows where you may be given door number 1 for doing something, and then the host propositions you with offers to either "buy" what's behind door number 1 with cold hard cash, or give you what's behind door number 2 instead.  there were 2 types of contestants.  those who played it safe, held on to what they knew, and as a result may have missed out on some grand prize or been saved from a big prank.  then there are the gamblers, who'll trade away what they have just for a chance at something better.  for me, the girl who likes to play it safe (i.e even investing is painful as there is the risk of losing money), one bird in hand is worth two in the bush.  and there'd be times this show was almost painful to watch, and a true testament to human greed, when people have a sure thing--a prize within their grasp, and the host convinces them to part with it, to trade it in for what turns out to be worthless.

it kind of hit me tonight that my life feels very much like this.  all these choices and decisions, to make about a future that is yet unknown.  the willingness to walk down one path may mean closing the door to another. clinging for dear life to one thing preoccupies me from that which may be greater, or worse.  and certainly, i've made some decisions that have come with great cost, and also some that have brought unexpected joy and gains.

for the past few years i realize now that i have had my arms and legs wrapped firmly around something, hanging on for dear life, as one who falls off a cliff may cling to a flimsy and random branch.  i know that by not letting go, there is nothing for me but falling into this abyss, and yet i have a death-grip on that which i think will save me--that which i think will bring me joy.  and the branch is bending under my weight, and it gives more and more each day, but i've dug my fingernails in, and i couldn't let go.  but finally, within the past few months, where there was once only an echoing silence (probably because i had previously closed my heart and plugged both ears vehemently refusing to hear), i've heard the gentle, yet firm whisper, to let go.  and for once, maybe due to exhaustion, maybe due to resignation, i've eased the grip on my failing branch.  and it's as though i'm seeing it clearly for the first time.  what i once thought was a cache of diamonds worth holding onto, is with closer examination, no more than cubic zirconia.  what i once thought was a solid branch to rely on, is no more than a twig.

so, the host asks..."let's make a deal.  i'll trade you that twig you're holding onto for what's behind door number 1."  and while i notice that maybe my twig isn't what i thought it was, it still wasn't bad.  i mean, it's what's keeping me from plunging headlong into the unknown.  "and for your jewels, i'll give you what's behind door number 2."  and i think that even though it's only cubic zirconia, it's still pretty and sparkly.  what if there's only ash behind door number 1? or glass behind door number 2?  then...i'll be even worse off.

but that's the best part.  the part that hit me tonight.  the reason i'm typing frantically on xanga instead of running over to chinatown to see the H-clan--because the best part is THAT cool--

when the host is God, when He's the one asking you to finally trade in these earthly human treasures for the unknown...you KNOW that the unknown is good.  it has to be, because God is good, and His gifts are good!  

He wouldn't ask me to give up my twig or my pseudo-treasure if there wasn't something that much better for me in the long run.  there should be no hesitation to snatch up what's behind doors number 1 and 2 in that case.  if i am in the will of God, i can't be worse off.

certainly a revelation...now, i just need to continue my struggle of prying my limbs from that which i have fooled myself into thinking was good, in order to have a hope of grasping on to that which is infinitely better...

it all started out as an innocent perusal of homes in areas where i'm considering living next year (bay area, chicagoland, philly suburbs).  depending on where i was looking, and what my criteria were, houses were 400,000 (midwest) to 1.5 million (california).

then, i stumbled onto a luxury homes website.  these are houses, excuse me, mansions that are upwards of 1 million...more like 4-5 million.  then, there were estates that are upwards of 50 million.

while i'm obviously not considering buying (as if i could!) houses in that price range, i was looking and gawking at the 10-15 car garages, guest houses, granite countertop islands, and master suites that are bigger than my apartment.

my mom comes by and tells me (in cantonese) that i'm making rice porridge without rice.  i must've looked confused, cuz she said "you obviously have no money for a house that big.  it's like trying to make porridge when you have no rice."

true.  but a girl can dream ;)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! (almost)

this website makes me so so happy. =)

it's like being a kid all over again. =D

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/home.html

and i played every single game they had.

when's santa visiting your house?